Well, here I am. To describe the last month and a half of my life as busy would be an understatement. I have been to Southeast Asia (CRM conference), Northern California (work), Florida (class in tropical agricultural development), and am now back in Northern California (again to work) for a week before going back to San Diego. Love travel as I do, I’m looking forward to catching some Zs in my own bed for a little while.
The conference was amazing . . . perhaps the most amazing part was that Rebecca and I survived our voyage to Malaysia from San Diego. We tallied up the hours of travel time, door to door, and with the three flights and lengthy layovers we racked up a whopping 60! To estimate that I got 12 hours of sleep would be generous. So though I went without crucial things like sleep for extended periods of time, no bags were lost, no flights were missed (ok, one was canceled, but it all came together), and I think the biggest thing I forgot to pack was duct tape. How embarrassing for a self-proclaimed travel veteran.
The conference itself was amazing: +/- 500 people from 25 countries around the world, all together in Southeast Asia to join their fellows with whom they seek to develop churches through developing people. CRM's vision (as snagged directly from their website) is of . . .
"movements of fresh, authentic churches, pioneered by godly leaders, fired by a passion for their world, compelled to multiply their lives and ministry…so that the name of God is renowned among the nations"
. . . and it was made clear to me that this group of very dedicated people had received a commission from God to make it a reality. My dad uses a fun saying in situations where one is presented with much more than they can take in - "drinking from the fire hose" - and this seemed to be one of those situations for me. I’ve been involved in several ministries of varying natures over the years, and each, as shown by their foci, have their callings and convictions. It was simultaneously invigorating and humbling to experience to get to know so many people offering themselves to the bottom-up building of churches, an often challenging and thankless labor of love.
Though this could be said of just about any situation one comes across in life (likened to the Butterfly Effect), even the briefest meeting I’d have with a new person seemed to open up a world of new possibilities, and it occurred to me that I'll likely be able to appreciate God’s work through this conference for years to come. It was a busy time, full of sessions with other NieuCommunities folks and various presenters with powerful stories of ministry from around the world, but amid all the activity I did find rest here and there. I found renewal as well, and gained some perspective and recognition of context regarding some of the lows of the past year. Hopefully some of what I gained will continue to show up in pixilated form here.
But there is more . . .
I feel like the conference came at just the right time in my life - as I mentioned before, this has been a challenging year. Walking through the peaks and valleys of faith, it is so easy to look at others and have my faith feel so small and insignificant . . . even weak or downright absent at times. I find myself wondering what exactly or, yea, if even if, I believe at times. This can be discouraging.
Back in April, I was in a particular valley. A ball of health and personal issues had begun rolling the previous November or so, and had continued on with only faint and unconvincing signs of slowing down. I have a nasty habit of following the ad infinitum rabbit holes presented by Google, Wikipedia and Amazon without relenting (OCD? perhaps), to sometimes frustrating ends, and a movie I’d received from Netflix had presented me with one of epic proportions. It led me to a number of debates by those Christians and atheists who like to engage in them, and though they seem to me to be poor venues for building the kinds of relationships that seem most representative of the love of Christ, I for some reason am drawn to them as moth is to flame. Could it be like the way people from schoolchildren to those filling barrooms (and now living rooms, sadly) cannot resist watching two men fight? Could be. I used to watch UFC when I was younger, I admit with some shame.
In any case, I ended up reading a book or two and watching some films that dealt with faith and the crises or lack thereof. Whether or not this process reassured me all that much I cannot say, but it did remind me that I’m not alone in my search for meaning in today’s complex world.
And after it all, I can say with certainty that I believe in and have been saved from a life of suffering, in some ways now and in all ways eternally, by Jesus Christ. I want to model my life after His, I sense the Holy Spirit guiding me and empowering me to do so, and I believe the world was created, somehow, by an omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient God. These are the things that (I hope) guide my life, both willfully and in ways beyond my will. My linear and analytical mind struggle to simultaneously engage and surrender to these things, but onward I go.
The conference was a glorious time. I received much help from many loved ones in order to get there, and indeed needed every bit of it. It was one of those weeks that will take years for me to absorb the full measure of, if I ever do at all. In fact, so much of life is like that, it’s occurring to me. As I (we!) interact with such a grand world as we have, filled with such an expanse of creation as it is, isn’t it a bit presumptuous to think that we could?
